I'm proud of you!

I have heard that a lot the last two days. "I'm proud of you!"

It sounds so strange to me. I did my job. I did not save a life. My uncle Garland is gone. But everyone is PROUD of ME.  They tell me they couldn't have done it. They tell me I was so brave, courageous. I do not feel brave or courageous. I am not disappointed in myself, there is not reason to be. It was God's timing. I do not feel "proud" of myself in this situation, though. I have a weird "numbness" that goes along with my sadness. Maybe I don't know how to feel yet.

Do you want to know how I did it? I can't tell you. I don't know. I sort of felt like I was in a bubble? I felt like I had tunnel vision when doing compressions. All I remember about doing the actual compressions, is seeing my hands on his chest and feeling the burning in my arms and back as I compressed his chest with everything I had in me. I could hear my compressions on the monitor. When I was not doing compressions I watched everything, but it was almost like I wasn't really there and it wasn't really him.

How are you doing? Are you ok?

I hear these questions too. I just say I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm good.  Am I?  Am I ok? Am I fine? I don't know. I think so. I know that I will be. Am I right now? Kinda.  I feel sort of numb. I get upset and I cry. I think about things. I try not to think about things.  I try to stay busy. I have a little trouble concentrating if it is quiet. I feel a sadness inside. I feel like I know some secret that no one knows. I feel like I had a really bad dream. Time will help, I WILL be ok!


I have had so much on my mind, that I really haven't thought much about Valentine's Day. So, Happy Valentine's Day. I hope it was a great one! LYTYBF